Wednesday, June 02, 2010

A Story You May Not Like - Part II

[Please click here to read the first part of this story. This is a continuation of that post.]

When Aravind was confused, he got a call back in two minutes. Saravanan sounded excited and he told, "The driver has made arrangements for the wiper da... but the passengers were going to complain about the driver and change the driver. There was a lot of excitement... so only I couldn't pick up the call da".

"I am at least happy that the wiper is arranged", said Aravind.
"But all the passengers have irritated the driver da. He is driving like crazy.", Sarvanan's voice was heavy.
"It is okay da. They would have encountered such things millions of times. Not to worry. Don't worry. You will reach safely."
"Hmm... lets hope so... Aravind, you had your dinner?"
"No da... that is the problem. Here also it is raining and there is nothing here to cook and I am starving da. Don't know what to do."
"Oh shit... your voice was dull and worried from the beginning da. I sensed it, but I was blabbering about my problems. What to do now?"
"I am thinking of going out to have dinner. But at this time only A2B restaurant be open."
"It is far away right? You can't walk to the restaurant da."
"I know da. I am thinking of taking your bike. Do you have enough petrol?"
"Aravind... you don't know riding the bike well. That too, it is night time and is raining. You don't even know the road conditions. I don't think you have to do this. Take an auto da."
"Its okay da. There wont be any traffic and I can ride slowly and safely. I am hungry like hell. Auto guys will ask triple the amount now."
"Take care da. I am not happy with this idea, but please be very very careful. Call me once you are back. I will be waiting for your call."

It was time Saravanan started worrying about Aravind rather than himself. He tried to fall asleep, but he couldn't. He can't even close his eyes. So, he took out his mobile and smsed Aravind "Don't forget to call me once you reach home. I will be waiting for your call". Since calling Aravind would be risky, he smsed him, as it was possible for Aravind to be riding the bike. Aravind received this sms when he was enjoying the dinner and read this sms. He smiled and kept the mobile inside to finish his dinner.

After he finished the dinner, when he was about to leave to his room from the restaurant, he thought of sending an sms to Saravanan and typed his number and typed the message, "I reached home safely. Don't worry about me. Sleep tight. We will meet tomorrow." Within minutes, a sudden brake happened in both of their lives. Aravind's sms became a lie and he never met him after that in his life... After all, how can Aravind meet someone who didn't exist in his world...

[After several hours, many minutes, and a few seconds later...]

"I should have died... not you... I am responsible for your death..." murmured Saravanan without crying, but still very sadly. He heard Aravind's voice "Don't even think like that da... Even if you have died and I was alive, it wouldn't have changed anything. We are playing against hard computer and 2 vs 5 is very very tough right? Wait... I will call Suresh... He plays Counter Strike very well... If we three play, we can device a better strategy and we can play 3 vs 6"... Aravind took out his mobile and typed Suresh's number and called him. In a moment, he shouted, "shit.. how many times would I do this mistake of typing the wrong number?" and started to type Suresh's number again...

7 comments:

Dobby Severus Salazar said...

Couldn't get the climax.

amudhan said...

If you had noted, Aravind always types the number for calling/messaging... He does not go to contacts as it is his habit...

When he sends the sms to Saravanan that he has reached home and they would meet the next day, he types the wrong number and sends it... that is why his sms becomes a lie as he has sent the sms to a non-existing number...

Though a sudden brake happened in both of their lives, nothing happened to them...

So after some days, they are playing Counter Strike game and the scene continues where Aravind has been killed by the computer... They want to invite another friend and Aravind again types the wrong number...

That was intended to be a clue that Aravind sometimes does mistake in typing/dialing the numbers (and that the sms he had sent to Saravanan was actually sent to a wrong number)...

Kanna kattudha? ;)

Gunasekaran said...

A good story. But one sentence is not clear.The sentence, "
Aravind's sms became a lie and he never met him after that in his life..."
contains three pronouns.It is a little confusing as to which pronoun refers to whom.Better change it to ,"Aravind's sms became a lie and he never met the recipient.
or better still ,","Aravind's sms became a lie because he never met the recipient after that in his life.It contains a clue.Other changes may also be made to make it more interesting.Anyway I liked it(after your explanation for the previous comment).

amudhan said...

@Appa:
Thanks dad for leaving a comment :)

That sentence was purposefully made obscure to be confusing but still make sense later [but I think it failed to make sense ;)...]

Also, the 'how can he meet someone who does not exist in his world' was also intended to be confusing... but it remained confusing and failed to make sense by the end...

If I had mentioned recipient, it would have given away the thrill (but would have made the climax understandable) and 'I should have died not you' might not have been effective....

I am happy that you liked this. I completely agree that this story could have been given a better climax and end...

Sindu said...

As the above comments have already discussed the few shortcomings that did exist, I just wish to say that the attempt was overall, fantastic.

1. The spoiler at the beginning was indeed a real stimulant of interest.
2. The plot, though simple, has been well conceived to suppress the surrpise element till the end.
3. I really did think in the middle that Aravind was going to die by a collision with Saravanan's bus. I am sure many would have gotten that thought. Yet, I actually caught myself wishing that these characters would somehow live n I feel that is the true success of a story - getting the readers to feel for your characters. I indeed did heave a sigh of relief on seeing the end.

On a different note, though when I read the story, I had both the parts on screen, I see that you had published them two days apart. I think this might have reduced the intensity of involvement with those who read these two with an interval.

Also, may I ask why you have titled the story as "A story you might not like"? Was it another strategy to arouse interest levels or you really felt that way?

amudhan said...

@Sindu:

Thanks a lot for your comment and I am really glad that at least two people liked this...

I posted the first post at 9 PM on 31st May (as May had only 2 posts and I wanted it to have at least 3). I intimated everyone on June 1st only. So, effectively, these posts were just one day apart ;)

Actually, I had the title (and the spoiler) to arouse interest and it is sad that it became true :(

Natraj M said...

Smart piece of writing!! Should try ur hand at script writing, after seeing raavan i feel we need lot of script writers!!!