Thursday, April 15, 2010

Marriage - Part I

[Surprisingly, this post is NOT going to be R rated but still reader's discretion is required ;)]

The one word which never fails to terrify me and to make my spine chilled is 'marriage'. Seeing, listening and hearing about marriages only make me tremble. Though it has always terrified me, it has never worried me as I was very far away from it. But now, though I am still far away, I can't stop feeling the terror and tremble inside me.

About six months back, when one of my room mates got married, I couldn't actually believe how he could be ready for marriage. He is just an year older than me. So, when I and my other room mates were getting ready to attend his marriage, I told my other room mate, "I don't think I can ever be ready for my marriage". One wise guy replied, "When you see your friends, colleagues and room mates getting married you will start to feel insecure and automatically get ready for it". It was not convincing for me though.

My policy has been "When I see a successful marriage, I will say okay for marriage". But it only seems that if I stick to my policy, I will die as a bachelor :). Then I thought a little deeply... What do I mean by a successful marriage. A couple who never gets a misunderstanding? A couple who never has any quarrel? A couple who never gets in a fight (not necessarily fist fighting :)). An ideal couple in a romantic movie? What defines a successful marriage? Or to tell dramatically, a couple who despite their difference in taste, understand each other and appreciate others' feelings? Obviously not giving birth to a baby...

Any dramatic, cinematic, romantic definition to marriage will be laughable. In fact, any definition for 'successful marriage' will be laughable. I am not talking about how the life will be after the marriage. You may get more problems from somewhere and still be happy with marriage (spouse and marriage are analogous in the context of my thinking). You may get absolutely no problem from anywhere and but not happy because of the marriage. Why almost every married people advice others 'not' to get married? In this case, why marriage is considered a great event in life? Why parents happily get their children married?

When two completely total strangers marry, before the marriage happens, there would be a lot of so-called-well-wishers(family or friends) advice them all the possibilities of 'how to screw your married life'. I have seen people who advised their friends 'never to help his wife in cooking' as it will lower your self prestige and they will start to expect more help. This is a small example. People may advice 'don't ever give up your self prestige' 'always keep her in her line' 'show who is the boss' etc. These are all the perfect recipe for disastrous married life. Of course, there would be a lot of advices from well-wishers for girls also. What they don't realize is, all the people who give such ideas are NOT happy with their marriages and they are just waiting to add another member in their group. So, as soon as the marriage is over, they try to apply all the advices they had got from others and slowly (or very quickly) screw the marriage.

So, what I am thinking is, anyone who is going to marry, should have an open mind. Should have absolutely no expectations from the spouse. 'Expectations' seems like a small word, but is the devil in the disguise. [but can expect that he/she is going to marry the worst junk girl/guy in the entire world :)] Should not take advices from others as how to handle the spouse. If you don't have any idea or plan on how you will treat your spouse, you better don't get married. Should not watch movies, as movies portray ideal couples which is very very improbable in this world. Should not suspect what had had happened in their spouse life in the past. Should be willing to be happy if she/he is loyal to the marriage.

I can keep writing non-sense here, but I want to finish the post with a one-liner 'There are only two ways you can be happy. You adore your ego and try to be happy all by yourself or you kill your ego and be happy with everybody else. The choice is yours.' (Oh... yes... it has three lines) This applies to your married life also. I know, this post is spontaneous and random. No links between each paragraph no concrete opinion and no solid result. These are all glimpses of thoughts I get and there are many more (to come?)...


Ohmkumar said...

Bit boring.... :(

vijay said...

so amu, u r ready to get married now!! is this post an open hint for ur family?

Bytheway, did u feel more insecure or secure by seeing ur frnds/ colleagures/ rommies marriages. I guess the wise guy would have told something different.

Baski said...

good Article.

"When you see your friends, colleagues and room mates getting married you will start to feel insecure and automatically get ready for it".

It is correct when you become old i mean 30+ still unmarried.

True that, you should not get advise from others.

You know all the things and get marry soon

amudhan said...

I am flattered... only a bit boring? :) Anna... you are married and I think you think this post is utter bullshit. I am actually happy that you think it is a bullshit post. Because it would mean that you don't understand this post which would in turn mean that you are actually happy. I am happy to know this :)

I really don't need a blog to hint my family... I am actually close enough to talk to them openly... coming to think about it, may be this blog is an ice breaking tool for the topic ;)

Vijay, you are the friend I was referring and the wise guy is the guy with a 'bird' nickname in our room :). The context was, 'now you will feel that you are not ready as you have a lot of friends and are happy and you wont think about marriage. But if your friends are all getting married, slowly your friend circle will be reduced and you will slowly get insecure (that you will be alone soon) and you will get mentally ready for the marriage'

Thanks Baski... Understanding all the complexities makes one ready for marriage mentally. Mental maturity is the first step. But there are a lot of other things right? Finding someone who will say 'yes' and she shouldn't be blind :) and financial stability... etc. Lets see...

vijay said...

ok. now i got it. first i took the literal meaning of "seeing". so i thought u will get secure by "seeing", literally seeing more marriages :-)

Sindu said...

I liked your ' seeing others and getting insecure and considering marriage' point... pretty much sums up why most of humanity get married. I am sorry if any married readers get offended by this... you may consider yourself belonging to the part other than the 'most'.

I think it is all a big gamble process. Definitely, a certain 'natural compatibility' factor exists. Unfortunately, neither horoscopes, nor 'background checks' nor the few weeks of interaction as fiance can really reveal this. They say, it is all about adjustments and compromises. I tend to disagree. With certain people, you feel glad to adjust. It gives you joy. With some others, when adjustments have to be forced and compromises are in an area that defines your values, it certainly is not a 'successful' marriage.

It is not having expectations that mars a relationship, but having fantasies that cloud what your real expectations are! I think definitely every boy and girl should have a healthy set of expectations/criteria of how their partner should be. Yet, instead of basing it on some filmy fantasy, it should be based on the knowledge of their selves n individuality. For this, first they should know themselves.

(P.S. - sorry for the looooooong comment. I usually refrain from it. Yet, your topic, as usual, catalyzes far too much thought process.

2.Also, unmarried myself, i agree it is easy to preach theories.

3.You should also consider writing on the differences that arranged/love factor have post-marriage. )

amudhan said...

hehe... yes

Thanks Sindu.

Exactly... adjusting and compromising shouldn't be forced... It has to happen willingly and naturally. If you have to change yourself or your habit against your will, you will not be happy and it will conclude 'not-so-happy-marriage'. This needs a separate post for itself right?

About expectations, I am glad that you got what I tried to tell.

Preaching theories... exactly... we can preach others easily as long as we are in the safe lands ;)

Differences of arranged/love factor on post-marriage? I remember reading a joke about it. Arranged marriage:Love Marriage = Murder:Suicide... :) But, let me try to do some research/study about this and surmise a theory/philosophy.

prabakaran C said...

gr8..u have started a research on this. Good for all of us.But One of my friend said that, this research will change others view of you, and they will start thinking you are complex :-).

amudhan said...

"this research will change others view of you, and they will start thinking you are complex" - I am getting a lot of questions on this.

Complex in the sense 'psychotic'? :)

Could you please be more specific and help me out here in understanding your comment?

prabakaran C said...

In this research if you ask some questions to the spouse, answers from both community would try to preach something to the other.Obviously you should not let them know that its for this research, and try out some indirect questions. In most cases the indirect questions seems irrelevant to the context. This is the reason people would start thinking you r this convincing? :)..

amudhan said...

I request you to write a blog about this topic :) you sound like a philosopher and I like philosophy...